Thursday, October 20, 2011

What is holding me back?

At the beginning of the year I chose "authentic" as my word for 2011. When I look back over the past ten months, nothing I wrote here was not me. Everything was plain, pure me - but to be honest, nothing was revealing. Most of the posts kept pretty much to the surface and didn't really touch what is deep within me. And I wonder why.

What is holding me back
  • to speak of my fears that lie within me and sometimes completely choke me up, so that I have difficulties to sleep?
  • to talk about my health issues that sometimes frustrate me so very much?
  • to tell you about the loss of our second daughter that still haunts me?
  • to admit that I still haven't made my peace with having only one child?
  • to vent even only once about my utter frustration with American politics?
  • to let you know about my fears that this Etsy adventure will be a complete failure?
Am I afraid to offend someone? To lose blogging buddies because I'm honest? Do I fear to receive hurtful comments? Or that people think I'm just ridiculous?

Does it really matter?


Sherry said...

You ask yourself some good questions Carola, ones that we can all relate to -- the fears of what hold us back.

Most of the time I think we self-edit because we know we are on the internet and our words will carry far and once they are out there they can never be taken back.

However, I do hope that you will talk about the parts of your life that have made you who you are...and that you will trust yourself and your readers enough to let down your barriers a bit.

To be authentic doesn't mean spilling yourself and being nakedly vulnerable...I think it really just means speaking from the heart.

Offending others? This is your blog to speak on as you wish...and I know you will do that as tastefully as you have already done. As Dr. Seuss says..."those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". xo

soraya nulliah said...

Dear Carola-Oh! I think this is something all of us bloggers struggle with on some level. On the one hand we strive for authenticty and being 100% real and yet...on the other hand we have to maintain our privacy...and the privacy of our loved ones. Plus...we don't want our blogs to be a venting tool!!! But I think you will figure it out...step by step. If it feesl right to you...then it's right. Period!! And if people don't want to read or visit your blog..oh well. At least you are being true to YOU!
What I try to do is convey the germ of what I am saying...the lessons or sentiment without going into extreme detail. Oh! i totally understand your frustration with american politics!!! I am Canadian and I find some of the stuff that passes for political discourse to be closer to reality T.V..
Oh!! Also...totally agree with the mother being an absolute angel for adopting those 2 little boys. Just an amazing woman...amazing hearts. xxx

Sally H said...

Vent if you want to, bear your soul if it will help. Like Sherry says don't worry about offending - I certainly won't mind! I have talked about loved ones that I have lost on my blog - it helped me a little, but it has to be entirely your decision. You don't have to feel obliged to. Do what you think is best. Hugs x

Kay L. Davies said...

Sherry said it so well, Carola. (Sherry and Dr. Seuss. I hope you've read some Dr. Seuss books so you know something of him.)
You've mentioned some serious things, and I know (or suspect) you very much want to talk about them. Don't be afraid. This isn't Facebook. This is, as Sherry pointed out, your blog. All yours.
You know, we all have fears, and pain. Some of us have physical pain, some of us have psychic pain, and many of us have both.
Try it. Write it. If you don't like it, delete it. You can even delete an entire post if you change your mind after posting it.
Try writing everything in your word-processing program first. You can copy-and-paste it to your blog if you want to share it.
Just a thought.
With warmest wishes, K

windrock studio said...

I was hoping to say some encouraging and helpful words to you but after reading Sherry's post I realize that she stated it all perfectly.

It is a worry sometimes of putting our thoughts and words out there on the internet but there are personal reasons that we all started our blogs, we should try to remember to stay true to that.

I wish for you to have a light and peaceful heart about all these matters and you know we are all here to help.

Deborah Tisch said...

How vulnerable we are when we put ourselves out there through our blogs.

I respect and appreciate they way you write and the art and images you share with us here. I trust that you are showing us just exactly what you need to share, that in time you'll only show us what we need to know.

Remember to be kind to yourself in all this. That's what really matters.

Christine E-E said...

Carola... I can feel your frustration. I must say, I'm guilty of trying to make my blog void of personal stuff (other than complaining about being busy at work)... I'm sorry I don't have any answers to your questions - but I don't think you would lose blogging buddies?? Oh - and American politics - urgghhh! it's like reality (or unreal) TV.

Chantal said...

no, it doesn't matter, only speak open and up when it feels right

Anyes said...

Writing this post and the questions you alluded to is being very authentic Carola. Sherry summed it so well when she quotes Dr. Seuss.
Follow your heart, all the way and know you have support all around you from lots of places.

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Mary said...

Carola -- I think everyone before has raised some valid points. All I can add -- your blog should be for you what you want and need it to be.
If that means revealing some personal things about yourself, then do so.

For myself, I want my blog to be a happy, enjoyable place for the most part. An escape for me and for my friends who visit. But that might not be the right thing for you.

Marcie said...

These questions are ones I've asked myself many times over. How much to share and much not.

I think it's the fear of being truly 'known'...and then - of course - what comes with that.

I think you can only share the parts and pieces that are comfortable and safe. Maybe with practice and time...with support and growing trust - you'll surprise yourself one day.

foxysue said...

Dear Carola,

I have just read your honest and open post, it has really touched me! You are very brave and I applaud you for this post! Have not read the other comments as I'm not feeling too good myself at the minute, but will come back to read them.

Sending hugs over the ocean dear.

Sue x

Maria Ontiveros said...

I've been saving this post trying to figure out how to respond to it because I found it very touching. Blogging is such an exposing endeavor. We put ourselves out there, to whatever extent we can manage, without knowing how others will respond (or if they will respond at all),
I was drawn to your blog because of your geographic nearness, but I've stayed around because of what you share - I feel like I've gotten to know you a bit more, and I like the variety of content. I think I would only be drawn further in if you felt comfortable exposing yourself even more.

Creatissimo said...

I think those who care are questioning the same questions, too. Those who don't care write boring, self-focused posts. If you write more about you, real 'you', you might loose those who are not into that, but you might get and find new friends, new supporters...
That's what I believe and think.
I have problems with my own decision to write a positive non-grumbling blog as I like to be a supporter, someone who reminds people to see the bright side, someone who likes to tell that life is beautiful... But sometimes my days are not 'that great'. And I would need some support... But am not sure to put it on my blog, because it has a different mission...
Agh, you see, we all have millions of questions. You made me think about everything again... Thank you.
Wishing you all the best, sending you some healing energy and a big hug to warm your heart. xoxo

Ginnie said...

Even in these questions, Carola, you have really said a lot, been vulnerable AND authentic. I can't imagine starting off any better than that! For one, I had no clue you lost your second daughter. That already makes you sensitive to things others of us have never experienced!

Meegan said...

Whatever you choose to write, I'm interested in. I think we all struggle with how much we share & how comfortable we are with being open & vulnerable. I too long to dig deeper in my blog.

Carola said...

Carola this is YOUR blog and it is good to do what you feel.
The other commentators said it all.

It's a while that I had the last look at your blog and you are even more creativ then before with photos, text, cards. I like your words from the pevious post.
Your "Made in Germany" series is outstanding!