Closing a Chapter

 

Today would have been my first day back at work at the high school library after the summer break.

Would have been... however, I quit over the summer. It's a long story and I don't want to bore you with it. I did feel though that this job no longer was healthy for my own well-being.

The past year, which definitely was the weirdest school year I ever experienced, gave me a lot of opportunity to re-assess what is important in my life. At the beginning of 2020 - when no one was talking about COVID-19 - I had turned 60 which for me was the point where I seriously thought about what to make of the time that I still have. When I started this job in the high school library - right after my daughter had graduated from the same school - I enjoyed it even though every now and then it was quite a drag. Except for the first year, every year I worked there was marked by major school closures due to wildfires (the Tubbs fire in October 2017 that burned down several neighborhoods in our city was the first one), smoke and preventative power shut-offs. We dealt with it, grateful for the long summer break that gave us the opportunity to relax and start the next school year with new energy.

I started with that same level of new energy after last year's summer, but something changed profoundly during the pandemic school year. The workload was okay and I finally had the time to get tasks done that I had wanted to accomplish for a long time. But I did not enjoy it anymore. Yes, there are always periods when the job is not particularly enjoyable - but this was somehow different. 

I wrestled with the situation for a long time, tried to tell myself that this would be temporary, that I am a positive person who is resilient and most of all, who DOESN'T QUIT. I even started to meditate hoping that it would help me with my anxiety that I had developed (very new for me) and that would get me back in the "right mindset". But there was another voice, first quite low, but eventually getting louder and demanding to be heard. It was a constant "do you really want to go on like this?".

So I thought - one more year. That perked me up for the remaining weeks of the school year. And then, at the end of the last day of the school year, when I was ready to go home, I took all my personal stuff with me - not that there was a lot, just a couple photos of my daughter, a couple pens and a notebook. There was this thought, "maye I don't come back for another year, so take your things just in case".

Five days later I wrote my letter of resignation.

Now I can solely concentrate on my teaching job at the German School which has become considerably more work intensive over the past 15 months and which is the job I truly enjoy and love. The overwhelming emotion at this point is relief. This morning, when I woke up my first thought was "I'm so glad I don't have to go to the high school anymore!".

Just like my daughter said five years ago after graduating, I say today "I'm done!"